Sonnet of the Cage

Sonnet of the Caged


Stuck in this cage
here at the zoo.
You are my only companion.


They brought us here
and locked us up
and you are the only one of my kind.


Any other place
in any other time
and we'd never match or fit.


But on top of you as I am
as they document us
I feel sweet connection relief.


So what if we have to populate this place
because we think there is none of our kind.


-Matthew Koutzun

Orbitals

Orbitals


Like hailey's comet
you've ruined me with your
distance brilliance.


They told me that to glimpse you
at least in once in life
was an accomplishment in itself.


They say you'll return
back home
because things are always orbital.


The draw of the sun
our distant star
they say these things are science.


Science scares me with facts
that the space is an unknown
and filled with bouncing radicals.


One ricochet
from some wayward rock
could send you out of sight forever.


The astronomers are assuring me it won't
but when you come back changed
from free radicals and blinding speeds-


I'm hoping I catch a glimpse of you again
and slow you down long enough
for a touch and pause.


Staring across an ocean
I wonder if like our star
I have gravity too.


-Matthew Koutzun

The Massage

The Massage


The old seafarer
sea bound and haggard
upon the water
creaking in danger
muscle relaxants
and topical oils
away from the loved ones
covered in boils.


Starchy hard fabric
bundled and held
scratching and tearing
never once did he tell.


Left off for years
never came home
till letters received
years to late and unknown.


He found it one day
in the papers he hid
he read it once back then
then locked the tight light


Now the message it spoke of
spoke of the way.


So he packed
and he drove
on the water
to home.


Opening the door
to all that he left
was one left behind
waiting patiently in bed.


So the man then unrobed
slowly undoing his clothes
and dropped them right down
callouses on the ground.


He got right in
to the clean covered sheets
and the one right beside him
straddled right on top of him.


Then they pulled out the oil
lathered their hands
and pushed firmly down
on the small of the back
and cracks that had formed
started to break
but the form they created
was never defeated.


He was the man that he was
nothing could change it
and he started to weep
because the pain was descending.


Nothing to change
only take away pain
and the man finally got
the message.


-Matthew Koutzun

Idol in my Eye

Idol in my Eye


Held at arms reach
come to grasp
and further than stretch


It's otherworldly
and misted and shroud
with beauty and technical pose


I want to attain
and touch and be form
and as long as I see it clearly
the more it eludes


So blur my eyes
and take hold of limb
and of stance and bow


I am spinning
vision distanced
and where am I?


Hands held at a distance
not mine
but theirs


-Matthew Koutzun

Resolute

Resolute


In this bed I'm resolved to stay
blankets covered
and your warm bare body beside me
half hidden in sheets
and half blinded by sun.


Bright skin and light eyes
dancing flecks on chick coloured hair
and pausing smirk lighting demons
and devils on fire.


Why food
and how shelter
if I'm in arms so warm?


I'm resolute to stay
even if just another day
before the world winds its way in
and we part for just a few.


Oh bed of twine grasping
and sleep bliss holding me down
how you've become physical
and material
in a shape of man.


-Matthew Koutzun

Play It For Me Once More Harvey

Play It For Me Once More Harvey


Oh, One True Love,
why does there have to be many?
I'm feeling things only felt for you
and my heart breaks
that I might break yours.


I can't move on
and yet I'm walking
creeping on things through doors
I found
and didn't think I'd need to find again.


And I tear
and crutch
as I'm down
and leapt
across away.


Fiddle-sticks;
picking up sticks
and mending
bird cages
that held a time.


Oh, One True Love,
there are many,
although you're gone
I'm finding few
who are true and love this one.


-Matthew Koutzun

Levity

Levity


There is a lightness in his step
and a chain on one foot
he is dragging and yanking as he walks forwards on air


Head in the clouds
and feet dangling down
he's flying so close to the ground.


Icarus could have learned something from him-
could have taken notes
or scribed on stone.


Because being so close to the middle
in constant love
yet alone.


Content in height
and in depth
he's making his way above and through crowds.


-Matthew Koutzun

Bestly Bottom-feeding

Bestly Bottom-feeding


Little apple
at the bottom of the pile
I know you are the best.


You are the reddest,
ripest, and readily 
the most delicious thing I have ever seen.


I know that if I take you
the rest above-
in your prim little pyramid,
are parading down too.


I've looked at all the others now
and none are as bold as you-
and I don't care what the grocer grumbles anyway.


But it's sadly true-
I haven't sampled you
and your skin could be a lie.


But here I go anyway
because I want you more
than the creaking consequence
of the ambling apples afterwards.


-Matthew Koutzun

The Escape

The Escape


From inside my chest
I've made the daring escape
and running on raised pavement
I am heads above the packed crowd
my arms stretched out like an airplane
playing duck duck goose on peoples heads
them maddening and chasing me around pillars
and the maypole rising from the cold asphalt
it's a revolution from my heart and hand
and making it's way to my lips
in a curved smile upward
as I calm back down
and walk again
happy I am
content
again.


-Matthew Koutzun

Blue

Blue


Oh dear lord;
he's going through his blue phase again.
Painting up a storm 
on the page with words and themes
we're hearing week after week.


Get on with it
and pull the trigger next to your head,
because we're sick,
and we're tired of the complaining
and we're just calling it quits on you.


Sure it's beautiful
but one can only take so much of it.
And it's had it's time
but its dried out in the sun.
No water will bring the sucker back.


So try some red-
or purple, or magenta, or green.
Just anything but blue
and we'll come back and see.
Refreshed with the fresh.


-Matthew Koutzun

The Next Time

The Next Time


The next time we meet
we're just going to start making out.
No more pleasantries or the awkward moments
before this.


We're gonna start from the present
and move past before and then.
And take off our clothes
without saying a word.


Because we're getting old-
and I'm finding that sometimes there is no
next time.


So lets agree to it.
Shake hands on it.
Whip it out
the next time we speak about it.


Cause the minute hand
moves mountains-
and me?
I'm making moves.


-Matthew Koutzun

gatekeeper/fire starter/place keeper/explorer

gatekeeper

                     This used to be a feeling of love

Now it’s just sadly in reverse.

So now I’m gonna put it to memory

And to picture

And find what it was.

I’m gonna put it away

till the one with the key comes back

                                                                 Gatekeeper

gatekeeper/fire starter                  

                    You keep threatening to lose the key

That you’re forcefully forgetting

Setting fire to the box I put the albums

And thoughts away in

Burning bridges to places

I wanted to return to

When the grass became green again.

Little passion fighter

                                       Fire starter

fire starter/place keeper

                    Lighting the house

And burning it down

I can’t find my way back to it

I’m lost in the trees.

You uprooted sign posts

And changed all the paths.

I tried learning new ways back

But now there’s only one

                                             Place keeper

place Keeper/explorer

                     Bookmarked and chaptered

And lost to a fire and in woods

Now I create more

And keep rekindling fires

With bits and string of passion.

I don’t mind

It’s keeping me warm and busy

While I carry it like a torch through the woods

Searching like you

                                  Explorer

explorer

                        Don’t run and hide

Like you’ve done.

I’m not searching for you

I have my own exploring to do

And the deep caves echo of you

But I’m going deeper within

And finding things always there

And foundations stronger than rock.

-Matthew Koutzun

Jars

Jars


Momma says I shouldn't blame myself for butterflies leaving.
She says they go their ways because they have to-
because life is too short for any one thing not to grow.


But Momma never lived in the jar.


The butterflies all go,
from my stomach and out my mouth
where words should have been.


But those things are in the jar.


Butterflies don't live well locked up
never spoken of
and hidden in closets away from Momma.


I should have opened the jar sooner.


So when Momma says I shouldn't blame myself for butterflies leaving-
I do.
Because life is too short for me not to live with them too.


Open jar- hovering closely.


-Matthew Koutzun


for L.

For my Appreciation;

For my Appreciation;


Today
I thought would be different.
Everything was under
different circumstances.
It's the first time
I've truly been alone
on my birthday so far.


I had to work today.
I'm still in training
so I had to go.
I wanted to go
because I'm confident
in this decision
and they even sang the song
brining a slight red
to my face.
I try to hide it
so well.


I had a package
stuffed through my mail slot.
Gifts from parents
and one from my brother.
I cut it open.
Carefully.
Not to slice
perhaps if there were
cards inside.
There were.
And I kept my eyes shut
because I wanted to read them
first
before looking
at the unwrapped
gifts.


And tonight
a friend baked a cake
and we'll gather
at her place.
Sing the song.
Play the games.
Maybe open something.
Maybe.
But I'm not
gonna build
my self
up.


No
we only
hurt
our selves
that way.


Each birthday
I've ever had
has felt this way.
I'm trying-
fumbling to explain.
But it's not caption-able
by the words I know.
It's a feeling of
vagueness,
ambivalence,
expectation,
and loss,
and bursts of fun,
and of attentiveness,
and listening,
and wandering,
and lingering,
and conversing,
and the list goes on
and I'm the
popular wallflower
not talking
but the centre of events.


But I'm learning to appreciate it.
Without you.
To appreciate what I have
without you.
And although it makes me well
up
and burst with tears
at the thought
I'm learning to deal with this callous behaviour.
It must be hard I know,
but you can only imagine
what you're sharp scissors did
just days before now.


Any other time
and we both know
I'd still be sad,
but thank you
I appreciate it days
before my birthday.


You have your cake now
eating it too.
I'm having a slice
and it still tastes sweet,
because roses are roses
even when dosed
with chocolate.


But I'm learning to appreciate
all those things before,
those things that sing
and converse,
and comment,
and post,
and smile,
and gift,
and laugh,
and still argue,
and get annoyed,
and set me straight,
and appreciate
me
like I'm learning to do so now
with them.


I don't call quits.
I never do.
So don't take it as a warning,
see it as my lesson.
I'm passing flying colours
blinding
exploding from white
from which it came.


Look at me.
I'm 24.


-Matthew Koutzun

The Dinner Getting Cold While We Wait

The Dinner Getting Cold While We Wait


A test of will is an online green.


Seeing your name lit up and having you so close and so far at once lights me up and over.


I don't know if you want me anymore.  I'm waiting for you come to me.  I've made plenty of moves and you've taken them kindly- but I've never seen you shuffle my way once.


It's my birthday soon and I wonder if you'll make a move then.  If I'll feel a foot slide beneath the table and tap my own.  Our own secret handshake.  Our own secret time.


People have told me to prepare for if you don't contact me.  To not be hurt.  But I will be.  And I've said it. And they know they can't say anything to change it.  And they don't.  You know how my mind and feelings get made up and stick.


But I'm leaving you there.  Green online light on and all.  I know I could click and send.  But then why would you feel the need to come when I come so easy?  Or are you waiting for me because you're testing your own will?  Is it pride?  Are you testing mine?  Or am I making up stories because my chest aches all the time and aches further still each time I wonder what wonderful day you're having now.


There is no test.  No will.  Because I'm kissing air and invisible versions of you.  One of them is bound to be real and satisfy one of these nights.


But till then I guess I'll wait for the hard tip of your toe to touch mine.  As we sit across from each other online.  Staring at bright green glows that invite.  But our wills and pride that say wait and hold tight- because perhaps we need space, to find and relate, but I think we should just be and open ourselves to see that starving ourselves just makes dinner cold.


-Matthew Koutzun