How we Measure
Oh,
it's all new again.
Though it's only a few kilometers away.
I've been moving further and further
and each time I go back
I retrace the steps that move me each time.
It's purely coincidental
that each time I've left some institution
and moved to the next
it's been further from the one I went to
and home.
But now without walls
and without form
I'm trying to measure.
I'm building with blocks
and moving when needed
and chapters, and pages are passed.
I didn't know how to mark these passages
or how to notice growth
but time and time again
I move from each institution using intuition
and am finding I'm the only institution in time.
-Matthew Koutzun
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
How We Stay Kindled
How We Stay Kindled
Staring at your back
I'm here
and wondering how it started
lying next to you bewildered.
What is it that makes us continue
when perhaps a spark is lost?
And you turning over
giving a squinted
and a tired smile
as you drift back away
to some bright place
I see how it works
falling again and again
unnoticed
but felt.
-Matthew Koutzun
Staring at your back
I'm here
and wondering how it started
lying next to you bewildered.
What is it that makes us continue
when perhaps a spark is lost?
And you turning over
giving a squinted
and a tired smile
as you drift back away
to some bright place
I see how it works
falling again and again
unnoticed
but felt.
-Matthew Koutzun
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Slip
Slip
Slip on the ice
and down the slope
and grab on nails biting
into soil and snow
as you claw to reach the top again.
Slip of the tongue
is what got you here
and what scares you most
is you can't go back.
-Matthew Koutzun
Slip on the ice
and down the slope
and grab on nails biting
into soil and snow
as you claw to reach the top again.
Slip of the tongue
is what got you here
and what scares you most
is you can't go back.
-Matthew Koutzun
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Why Are You Still Up?
Why Are You Still Up?
Why are there still seagulls screaming
at 4:23 in the morning?
-Matthew Koutzun
Why are there still seagulls screaming
at 4:23 in the morning?
-Matthew Koutzun
Five of Spades and Meeting You Tonight.
Five of Spades and Meeting You Tonight
Once I left, I wandered home.
Dizzy and itchy eyed
(from playing with the cat I shouldn't have
instead of the cat I should have)
I, awe struck by the night,
was struck by spade and shovel on the ground-
five to be exact-
laying face down on the sidewalk;
risqué blue cover: face up.
I palmed it and kept it as my memento.
Who cares if it means bad luck to some fortune teller.
I'll make my own meanings as I please.
-Matthew Koutzun
Once I left, I wandered home.
Dizzy and itchy eyed
(from playing with the cat I shouldn't have
instead of the cat I should have)
I, awe struck by the night,
was struck by spade and shovel on the ground-
five to be exact-
laying face down on the sidewalk;
risqué blue cover: face up.
I palmed it and kept it as my memento.
Who cares if it means bad luck to some fortune teller.
I'll make my own meanings as I please.
-Matthew Koutzun
Still Fresh in the Night
Still Fresh in the Night
Walking home at 2:55
it's all still fresh in the night.
Walking the streets half lit
still have the shine from the sunlight
lit by numerous, multiple bulbs.
Spotlighting trees
highlighting and contrasting
branch and leaf from the night.
Each sprig like a mint leaf
curling and blooming from bud.
Delicate green
and softened by post lamp orange
everything is chilled in the night.
Preserved and sealed
in damp moonlight.
-Matthew Koutzun
Walking home at 2:55
it's all still fresh in the night.
Walking the streets half lit
still have the shine from the sunlight
lit by numerous, multiple bulbs.
Spotlighting trees
highlighting and contrasting
branch and leaf from the night.
Each sprig like a mint leaf
curling and blooming from bud.
Delicate green
and softened by post lamp orange
everything is chilled in the night.
Preserved and sealed
in damp moonlight.
-Matthew Koutzun
Sunday, April 05, 2009
I Never Said It'd Be Easy Living With A Contradiction
I Never Said It'd Be Easy Living With A Contradiction
I'm your rebel baby,
your lost cause son-of-a-bitch,
a rewind passage
and backward progression in one.
I'm forward passiveness
gimme-gimme generous
giving hedonist
and plagiarist of creation.
Oh baby, come forward,
and I'll age you back to youth,
another trip around the sun
and you'll be wiser and younger for it.
Wasting youth on the old
never will taste as good
as it does in the sun
on the beach in December.
So be my innocent convict-
my honoured son of God-
a fast-forward brick wall
and my future crumbing in none.
-Matthew Koutzun
I'm your rebel baby,
your lost cause son-of-a-bitch,
a rewind passage
and backward progression in one.
I'm forward passiveness
gimme-gimme generous
giving hedonist
and plagiarist of creation.
Oh baby, come forward,
and I'll age you back to youth,
another trip around the sun
and you'll be wiser and younger for it.
Wasting youth on the old
never will taste as good
as it does in the sun
on the beach in December.
So be my innocent convict-
my honoured son of God-
a fast-forward brick wall
and my future crumbing in none.
-Matthew Koutzun
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Was that All
Was that All
That's all it took to break
as he looked at it on the floor.
Just a drop.
He thought about it in his head,
before letting go-
imagining the impact and the scatter.
He just wondered what if
this precious thing in my hands-
valued-
something I'd be in trouble for before-
what if I just drop it?
But the real thing was much different
in the way that randomness can only provide
and he jumped anyways.
Porcelain darting and farthing away,
twinkling and skidding across the tile.
She jumped too
asking if he was alright-
how it slipped.
It just slipped out.
Well, that's all it needs.
And a smile,
and it's done.
He wonders why he never broke something before
and smiles back.
-Matthew Koutzun
That's all it took to break
as he looked at it on the floor.
Just a drop.
He thought about it in his head,
before letting go-
imagining the impact and the scatter.
He just wondered what if
this precious thing in my hands-
valued-
something I'd be in trouble for before-
what if I just drop it?
But the real thing was much different
in the way that randomness can only provide
and he jumped anyways.
Porcelain darting and farthing away,
twinkling and skidding across the tile.
She jumped too
asking if he was alright-
how it slipped.
It just slipped out.
Well, that's all it needs.
And a smile,
and it's done.
He wonders why he never broke something before
and smiles back.
-Matthew Koutzun
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Did You See What They Did to Her Breasts?
Did You See What They Did to Her Breasts?
I'm gonna say it and someone's gonna raise a fuss:
but what's wrong with pretty?
What's wrong with something and it's superficial value?
What's wrong with taking care of yourself?
What's wrong with wanting to be presentable?
Is it because of all the terrible things people have done to attain it?
Why must someone be destroying themselves to be it?
Why must someone have paid for something augmented if they're in the spotlight?
Sure it's all image
and it's all manipulatable
but a talent like any other
it's a skill learned with time.
Pygmalion
and My Fair Lady.
Which is prettier?
And which do you know better?
-Matthew Koutzun
I'm gonna say it and someone's gonna raise a fuss:
but what's wrong with pretty?
What's wrong with something and it's superficial value?
What's wrong with taking care of yourself?
What's wrong with wanting to be presentable?
Is it because of all the terrible things people have done to attain it?
Why must someone be destroying themselves to be it?
Why must someone have paid for something augmented if they're in the spotlight?
Sure it's all image
and it's all manipulatable
but a talent like any other
it's a skill learned with time.
Pygmalion
and My Fair Lady.
Which is prettier?
And which do you know better?
-Matthew Koutzun
Busy
Busy
I'm busy on the phone again,
it cutting in and out
and me thinking in and out
during its short breaks
about all the things I need to do.
I have that big thing
and that little thing
and not to mention
all the little things
I want to keep doing.
Oh, something is going to give
and if it's not one thing
it'll be something small
from all of them
and everyone is bound to be pissed off then.
But I'm giving more of myself
and time is growing shorter
so why am I here then
writing poems
as if the list were getting smaller.
-Matthew Koutzun
I'm busy on the phone again,
it cutting in and out
and me thinking in and out
during its short breaks
about all the things I need to do.
I have that big thing
and that little thing
and not to mention
all the little things
I want to keep doing.
Oh, something is going to give
and if it's not one thing
it'll be something small
from all of them
and everyone is bound to be pissed off then.
But I'm giving more of myself
and time is growing shorter
so why am I here then
writing poems
as if the list were getting smaller.
-Matthew Koutzun
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Technicality
Technicality
We both could be right,
and then you had to be a bitch about it.
-Matthew Koutzun
We both could be right,
and then you had to be a bitch about it.
-Matthew Koutzun
Friday, February 06, 2009
This is what my Thirst feels like
This is what my Thirst feels like
Filling up glasses again
up and over the brim.
water cracking over crevasse
and quickly chasing down.
Splish and patter on the table
I'm going overboard,
again with ambition
withholding everything while reaching for more.
One of these days I'll take a drink.
And finally be refreshed.
-Matthew Koutzun
Filling up glasses again
up and over the brim.
water cracking over crevasse
and quickly chasing down.
Splish and patter on the table
I'm going overboard,
again with ambition
withholding everything while reaching for more.
One of these days I'll take a drink.
And finally be refreshed.
-Matthew Koutzun
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Broken Sonata from where I Stand
Broken Sonata from where I Stand
Does it seem odd to me?
Well,
why don't I ask you?
Does it seem odd to you?
I'm looking at this
from both directions
and I see your point,
but what I'm feeling can't be changed.
Yeah, I get where you're coming from
and you'd never do it yourself
but here I am
in the throws of it
and surprisingly
it's quite easy.
-Matthew Koutzun
Does it seem odd to me?
Well,
why don't I ask you?
Does it seem odd to you?
I'm looking at this
from both directions
and I see your point,
but what I'm feeling can't be changed.
Yeah, I get where you're coming from
and you'd never do it yourself
but here I am
in the throws of it
and surprisingly
it's quite easy.
-Matthew Koutzun
Saturday, January 31, 2009
As Good as it Gets
As Good as it Gets
In the bed
laying
clothes on the floor
the night around us
and light from buildings
darting through half shut blinds
etching
and highlighting our features as we laid there.
I was tired of everything we did.
Tired of the monotony of loving you.
I love you.
You know that.
But what I mean now...
then...
loving you was so hard
when you wouldn't give me what I wanted.
How could I love you lying passively beside me?
Don't you know me?
Me: sprawled out on my side
my back to you
knees shifting on one another
gently lifting my ass
and sighing lightly
breathing out seductively
hoping for some aggressive attention
hoping I'm worth the action.
I always wondered when there was the point
when one just gives in
and the pain takes on dull pleasure.
But pleasure never comes,
only screaming and fighting
screaming and fighting
screaming
and
fighting.
Annoyed I grab my clothes from the floor
even bending over to give you one last chance.
You ask if I'm alright
and I say yes, and even kiss you on the lips before I leave-
pulling my arms through the sleeves
as I walk placidly through the hallways.
I climb down the flights of stairs wondering what time it really is
I should have checked the clock.
The nights much darker from the late winter
but the snow has left the ground and a heavy jacket
and hands in pockets are enough to keep me warm
as I leave the front of your apartment
and walk the streets back home.
I'm lost in the headphones I've put on
to drown out the disappointments I saw in you
and I don't remember when it was
when I was finally dragged onto the ground
after being punched in the back.
But my pants are off,
well around my ankles
and I'm struggling with keeping the rest on.
Kicking whole heartedly in constricted attempts
and hearing small tears that won't rip me free.
And I'm punched again
as I claw
and as other things are inserted
pain rippling through inside
and inside
and inside
and inside
and inside
deeper
and out
and we still struggle
both attacking
and one loving-
not I.
I always wondered when there was the point
when one just gives in
and the pain takes on dull pleasure.
But pleasure never comes,
only screaming and fighting
screaming and fighting
screaming
and
fighting.
Oh dear Lord:
this is as good as it gets.
-Matthew Koutzun
In the bed
laying
clothes on the floor
the night around us
and light from buildings
darting through half shut blinds
etching
and highlighting our features as we laid there.
I was tired of everything we did.
Tired of the monotony of loving you.
I love you.
You know that.
But what I mean now...
then...
loving you was so hard
when you wouldn't give me what I wanted.
How could I love you lying passively beside me?
Don't you know me?
Me: sprawled out on my side
my back to you
knees shifting on one another
gently lifting my ass
and sighing lightly
breathing out seductively
hoping for some aggressive attention
hoping I'm worth the action.
I always wondered when there was the point
when one just gives in
and the pain takes on dull pleasure.
But pleasure never comes,
only screaming and fighting
screaming and fighting
screaming
and
fighting.
Annoyed I grab my clothes from the floor
even bending over to give you one last chance.
You ask if I'm alright
and I say yes, and even kiss you on the lips before I leave-
pulling my arms through the sleeves
as I walk placidly through the hallways.
I climb down the flights of stairs wondering what time it really is
I should have checked the clock.
The nights much darker from the late winter
but the snow has left the ground and a heavy jacket
and hands in pockets are enough to keep me warm
as I leave the front of your apartment
and walk the streets back home.
I'm lost in the headphones I've put on
to drown out the disappointments I saw in you
and I don't remember when it was
when I was finally dragged onto the ground
after being punched in the back.
But my pants are off,
well around my ankles
and I'm struggling with keeping the rest on.
Kicking whole heartedly in constricted attempts
and hearing small tears that won't rip me free.
And I'm punched again
as I claw
and as other things are inserted
pain rippling through inside
and inside
and inside
and inside
and inside
deeper
and out
and we still struggle
both attacking
and one loving-
not I.
I always wondered when there was the point
when one just gives in
and the pain takes on dull pleasure.
But pleasure never comes,
only screaming and fighting
screaming and fighting
screaming
and
fighting.
Oh dear Lord:
this is as good as it gets.
-Matthew Koutzun
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I'll Get Down One Day
I'll Get Down One Day
Awoken
the sky out my 2nd floor window
was the most peculiar shade of blue.
It was actually purple masked by fog
and it eerie-d its way into me
tempting me to believe perhaps the world was ending.
So i prayed to God that moment
drowsy and tired and fell back to sleep
but I-
I had doubt whether I was doing everything in his favor
and doubt whether I should do favor to everything for him.
I'm a freewill baby
with religious dependencies.
And I don't know where this is going because soon after I dreamed more of being on a spaceship with those I care for, and continually living in the great unknown, living like I do today, searching streets and opportunities- like stars.
-Matthew Koutzun
Awoken
the sky out my 2nd floor window
was the most peculiar shade of blue.
It was actually purple masked by fog
and it eerie-d its way into me
tempting me to believe perhaps the world was ending.
So i prayed to God that moment
drowsy and tired and fell back to sleep
but I-
I had doubt whether I was doing everything in his favor
and doubt whether I should do favor to everything for him.
I'm a freewill baby
with religious dependencies.
And I don't know where this is going because soon after I dreamed more of being on a spaceship with those I care for, and continually living in the great unknown, living like I do today, searching streets and opportunities- like stars.
-Matthew Koutzun
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