Western Slinger Walking Backwards

Western Slinger Walking Backwards


I'm gonna be hittin' the dusty trail Shirley.
Your hospitality's sures been nice.
The scones and the fresh bread
and the sedentary life you gave me
in fields I tilled is now over.
I've gotten you through the hard times
much like you gotten through this hard heart.
Name him V if he's a boy
and name her Shirley after you
as she'll surely have your eyes.
I have to be on my way now
to a destination I still don't know.
I keep thinking it's here
and in my hard heart I know it is
but your hard heart won't have me.
So I'm hittin' the dusty trail Shirley.
Gonna reach out there
and become a man in this old age.
I'll saunter back if your letters find me.
I hope they'll find me.
I'll leave notes on each passage I trek.
The post will know me by name
so you can find me when your hearts gone soft.
So to my horse I'll climb
and mosey off.
Looking back at every junction
and saying goodnight to you every night.


-Matthew Koutzun


To the man I walk forwards backwards for.

Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You

Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You


I've never been insane.
Never thought I could be either.
I never thought anything could have hold or effect on me.
And then it did.
And then it hit.
And then I saw the things I was doing
but couldn't stop myself from doing them
because I was mad with desire
and happy ever afters
and holding things too tight
even thought I wanted them to fly
and still do
if they'd hover closely.
What hurts now most is knowing
that you and this is all worth it even more so
because I you do have hold and effect on me
something no one has ever had
and for you to have that is special
because it is rare my affection.
I want to replace those moments
the crazy ones where I was weak
with better ones where I was strong.
I'm being that now: strong-
hoping it will make up for the moments
I was on my knees
half delirious
and wishing touch mental divine.
I've been gaining my clarity back
and I wish you could see it.
How I don't crawl
but stand now wishing to meet you.
I'm not going to joke
and say I'm an adult,
because every time I do
the earth meets meets me there with another challenge
laughing as it knocks me to my feet.
So I'm going to rest in this humility
and see if this modesty of ego
will impress you
even though it's all really being done for me
I see the merit of doing things for myself now.
And in growing I hope you see the saplings maturing
and the flowers growing
and the image garden of me blossoming too.
Wander my paths
the bramble of madness has been cut back
and what's worth having a garden
if there is no one to show it.
I want to show it
my secret garden
just for you.


-Matthew Koutzun

Stunt

Stunt


We can be paralyzed


Cut at the knee
spine
neck
and not able to move
push
divine forward


open wounds
needing dressing
clothing armour
against shame
concealing humility
shielding weave


wrapped around head
and body
and blanket covering from day
and wanting nothing from it


We can be stilled


by another
and taken upstream
and down to camp
nestled foundation


and made to feel safe
on isle of lotus
eating pain away and drowning
in sedentary stone


Period pound
sentence
stopping
starting


Starting


Must starting


Putter


And get to it again


Back to it all again


Sewing neck
to knee
to spine


and walking forward
out of bed
and towards another
or the same


but that patience 
will be had while running
because stopping
never got one closer


-Matthew Koutzun

*

*


feeling twitchy again


image failing


mechanical hand wanderings
and ache for tongue to crevasse


liquid moment
jerking jarring
tilted back
slouching more


spread


sugarcane sweet
semen salty
on lip and brow
you mark me


brand
and tie
and bound to bed


capture-vated
by eye
and form
and spirit within


Ghost
fuck me
haunt my regions
make memory friend
and remember 
abandon


clink clit
heavy armour
tight wound
and pleasure
unweave


clench


fool
demeanour
from mouth: pour


from brim
topped


spilled.


-Matthew Koutzun


Because there is always a footnote to ourselves.

A Series of Experience

A Series of Experience


Never was one to chase
but I've never run faster.


Life is a pursuit
pursue him.


Jungle tiger aware
and tree forest cover.


Vine grown apart
and back together.


Wanderer lost
and making home cabin.


Pursuit in waiting
and patience waiting to shatter.


Come here
from far.


Taste fruit
spit nectar.


-Matthew Koutzun

Gim-me

Gim-me


I feel powerless.
I've never felt so weak before.
Finding out I'm so selfish
with emotions.


I want yours.
Gim-me.
That's the way I sound don't I
when I hide behind wanting to know your thoughts
or checking to see if you're ok.


It's not that I consciously do it.
I really do want to know what you're thinking,
and I want you to be ok,
and I want nothing more in the world but happiness for you.


But thats my catch:
what is happiness for you?
Is that me?
And if not,
are all my interactions
tiny gim-me gim-mes
that drive you away?


I feel so weak.
I am so powerless.
Trapped wanting you
and respecting distance.


Gim-me gim-me
patience.
Gim-me gim-me
a sign.


Wait,
give me
neither
give me in your time
give me and please respect mine.


-Matthew Koutzun

While the Fall

While the Fall


When it comes to the time like this
the fall after the rise
I wish I had you here to talk to.
Conversing and strategizing,
and saying the things to ease my mind
so I could fall asleep tonight.


I'm tired
so restless here in the lit dark.
I have to wake up early
but the list of things around me
I can't quantify to a paper of to dos
or find the answers so quickly.


I keep the curtains open
afraid the solid dark will mask time
and I won't wake up
to the alarms I set
since I sleep through avalanche
and storm.


Used to waking up with a touch
of cool skin
or mouth on flesh
I yearn to be brightened by your hand
and your smell
and the distinct echos of groggy voice.


I'll go to sleep soon
and have a dreamless night
like i do these days
hoping for visions to come
or more so replications
of visions I once had.


-Matthew Koutzun