Personal Prose

Personal Prose

Who knew making friends would be hard?
Back 15 years ago, you'd set us down and we'd just start running around; playing pretend, beating each other, slapping a ball with a stick, and we'd be happy. We'd connect.

Now you can't even get me to talk in a crowded room to a stranger. I've been dropped in the sandbox, but no one pretends, or slaps sticks, or even beats me. When did it get so hard?

I'm smiling. I'm sure someone's bound to notice I'm searching. I have to be that desperate if I'm smiling and trying to make eye contact even with the recluse who would rather sit alone.

I've tried. Really. And almost had a bite too. They come, or I go there. And a good time takes place. But afterwards there are no calls. I guess that's people being nice. I'd hate to receive the bad news as the gospel truth as much as they refuse to preach it.

Stranger in a foreign land they say. Except I don't know any of it even when it's my own.

-Matthew Koutzun

These Things We Keep at Distance or Why Should They Be Found

These Things we Keep at Distance or Why Should They Be Found

Why should I have to pay
for things that are not found
why should I have to keep these burdens
if they only weigh me down

I thought that I had left them
but these things that I have told
in others they are staying
like a bad outdated cold

They stay when they have left me
and even when I ran
but these people keep reminding me
of something

And I want to take these things I've done
and push them down out out
and take them to the places
where these things are never found

Why do I have to keep them
or are they keeping me
am I sitting and waiting for that something?

And I want to let them go but people keep on saying no
they say they have to keep them to remind me where to go

But why should I remember
when remember is all I do?
You think it's your commitment
but your commitment is to you

When these choices haunt me plenty
why do you hang around
with the snide remarks
and hurt words come out

But should I just accept them
and change into all I am to you
because the things I wish to leave
are the only things to you.

And I want to start a new life
from the things I'll leave behind
I know that it is tricky
but it's my way that I'll find.

So I'll keep them on a thin leash
behind me they shall tread
and one day when I let them go
you'll have to accept them

For these things are never gone
although I say now that they are
and we pretend and leave them
then they'll leave me.

-Matthew Koutzun