What brings me to this floor

What brings me to this floor


It's funny being reduced.


It comes in an instant
and grasps a spot in me I keep trying to bury away.


I tried to cauterize the wound
to burn it with the extremes of grief and surrender myself to the howling emotion.
I let it
spiral me down
and infest in me so that it could fill me up
spill out
and I could start from empty.


But that hollow
it wanted full
and with no replacement
no equal
what else can it find but what it knows.


So in these moments I'm reduced.
Minimized and sacrificed to thought.
Over the strangest things.
Things I never would have gleamed a fear or sadness from suddenly overtake me
and their tiny
all be it
formidable acquaintance with my own experience moves me motionless on the floor.


Children's television shows
a name mentioned in passing
a meal once recalled
walking out an elevator
trapped on a balcony naked
seeing a pattern on a pillow
a sock left by accident
a puzzle half completed
a jar of pickles wasted
a bottle of hot sauce saved.


What each means is only a known guess
a secret kept in passing.
They are only moments etched forever
that grace and dance like moths.
May they not lose their momentum
and have them circle once again.


-Matthew Koutzun

Moths

Moths


"To the Flame," I chant.


Your fire burning high in the field,
wood bend upon stick
and log upon branch,
as your light rivalled the sky
and cavaliered smoke and fume.


I never understood why you built it as high as you did.


The only thing bright in the night.
It called out to the moths you feared so much.
The light calling- smoke dispelling.


You would keep them at a distance with your fumes
as you danced in the heat of your flames.


Of the one insect you could of feared I never understood the moth.


Maybe it was the dart quick gestures
the floating brown and white of the wings
like tiny pigeon angels of the invertebrate world
coming out only in night
seeking each tiny speck of Sun
drawn closer to some inner glow.


They'd reduce you.
Something I never could understand;
the Mighty Sun- the Lion of Oz in you.


On the edge,
I'm catching spark off you
and lighting a glint in my eye.


Reflections of wanting it all.


Eyes so wide
the black fog of fire fills them
foaming tears 
to keep sight in inferno so intense.


But your bonfire is forever dear.


I will stand outside the veil of smog one moment
I have to catch my breath.


I guess like the moth 
I'll never know why you fear them.


Keeping us at a distance.


-Matthew Koutzun

Minotaur

Minotaur


It's me: Theseus.
You've locked me out the maze.
You are twists and turns you've mastered.
Not to trap me in.
But to keep me out.
I can vanquish you.
I can remove your head in bloody glory love.
I can stab you at your weakest.
And as much as you want it.
You hide in dark catacomb quiet.
I can live with you here.
But can we take it outside?
I've learned to love in the light.
Much like you knew and wanted.
I can lead if you lead me out the ways.
I can follow if you allow one to follow.
I can vanquish you.
I will.
Let me.
I will.
Let me.
I will.
Let me.
Let me.
Let me.
Let me.
Please.
Open corridor.
Door.
Passageway.
Out.
I can take the violent monster in me.
Take the monster too.
Calm his horns in me by filing down yours.
Brush back his hair.
By taming yours.
Take him in your arms and model him down.
Back into the gentle man I used to be.
I'm lost in mazes without my man.
My man in animal you.


-Matthew Koutzun

One Round Hero

One Round Hero

That's how he works

sucker punches you with love

sets up his left

and then throws in his hug.

Bloody fists flying

fucking up wrongs made now right

ducking and weaving

taking fight over flight.

Gonna bandage my wounds

after he's flung the last blow

sucker punch with me with love

it's the one thing I know.

-Matthew Koutzun


For my Father.

Coward Pretender -or- Sate

Coward Pretender
-or-
Sate


Coward Pretender
come let me know better.
Let me in through the crook
and lift up veil armour.


I'm coming in where it's uneasy
treading on ground you wish still.
Going to rock this ship lightly
till from cup you must spill.


Oh, I do know the answer
but from your lips I will take.
Cause only the truth from a coward pretender
will my hunger be sate. 


-Matthew Koutzun

One Dove.

One dove.


Nesting here.
One Dove.
Coveting forever.
One Dove.


One doves
hold time.
What matters
one dove.


One dove.
Nesting here.
One dove.
Always remembers.


No magic
No hat
No veiled cage
Brings one dove back.


A magician never reveals their tricks.
One dove never forgets one dove.


-Matthew Koutzun

Books on Tape

Books on Tape


Cracking spine
and tilting sound
audio spilling word from page
and into ear
crawling down and in
through hole and membrane
when it touches
thought and reason
reason this
are we read
or are we read
with no form to see
and no form to function
taped to page
and taped to stream.


-Matthew Koutzun

Bright

Bright


The rain comes when it shines here
from hidden high up clouds
shooting down


Tapping on glossed glass it announces itself
calling, cajoling to illicit attention
to the day


Great warm wet from an empty sky
washing, renewing and holding
us refreshed


Skin cleaned
by heat dried
what wonder the above creates on me.


-Matthew Koutzun

Western Slinger Walking Backwards

Western Slinger Walking Backwards


I'm gonna be hittin' the dusty trail Shirley.
Your hospitality's sures been nice.
The scones and the fresh bread
and the sedentary life you gave me
in fields I tilled is now over.
I've gotten you through the hard times
much like you gotten through this hard heart.
Name him V if he's a boy
and name her Shirley after you
as she'll surely have your eyes.
I have to be on my way now
to a destination I still don't know.
I keep thinking it's here
and in my hard heart I know it is
but your hard heart won't have me.
So I'm hittin' the dusty trail Shirley.
Gonna reach out there
and become a man in this old age.
I'll saunter back if your letters find me.
I hope they'll find me.
I'll leave notes on each passage I trek.
The post will know me by name
so you can find me when your hearts gone soft.
So to my horse I'll climb
and mosey off.
Looking back at every junction
and saying goodnight to you every night.


-Matthew Koutzun


To the man I walk forwards backwards for.

Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You

Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You


I've never been insane.
Never thought I could be either.
I never thought anything could have hold or effect on me.
And then it did.
And then it hit.
And then I saw the things I was doing
but couldn't stop myself from doing them
because I was mad with desire
and happy ever afters
and holding things too tight
even thought I wanted them to fly
and still do
if they'd hover closely.
What hurts now most is knowing
that you and this is all worth it even more so
because I you do have hold and effect on me
something no one has ever had
and for you to have that is special
because it is rare my affection.
I want to replace those moments
the crazy ones where I was weak
with better ones where I was strong.
I'm being that now: strong-
hoping it will make up for the moments
I was on my knees
half delirious
and wishing touch mental divine.
I've been gaining my clarity back
and I wish you could see it.
How I don't crawl
but stand now wishing to meet you.
I'm not going to joke
and say I'm an adult,
because every time I do
the earth meets meets me there with another challenge
laughing as it knocks me to my feet.
So I'm going to rest in this humility
and see if this modesty of ego
will impress you
even though it's all really being done for me
I see the merit of doing things for myself now.
And in growing I hope you see the saplings maturing
and the flowers growing
and the image garden of me blossoming too.
Wander my paths
the bramble of madness has been cut back
and what's worth having a garden
if there is no one to show it.
I want to show it
my secret garden
just for you.


-Matthew Koutzun

Stunt

Stunt


We can be paralyzed


Cut at the knee
spine
neck
and not able to move
push
divine forward


open wounds
needing dressing
clothing armour
against shame
concealing humility
shielding weave


wrapped around head
and body
and blanket covering from day
and wanting nothing from it


We can be stilled


by another
and taken upstream
and down to camp
nestled foundation


and made to feel safe
on isle of lotus
eating pain away and drowning
in sedentary stone


Period pound
sentence
stopping
starting


Starting


Must starting


Putter


And get to it again


Back to it all again


Sewing neck
to knee
to spine


and walking forward
out of bed
and towards another
or the same


but that patience 
will be had while running
because stopping
never got one closer


-Matthew Koutzun

*

*


feeling twitchy again


image failing


mechanical hand wanderings
and ache for tongue to crevasse


liquid moment
jerking jarring
tilted back
slouching more


spread


sugarcane sweet
semen salty
on lip and brow
you mark me


brand
and tie
and bound to bed


capture-vated
by eye
and form
and spirit within


Ghost
fuck me
haunt my regions
make memory friend
and remember 
abandon


clink clit
heavy armour
tight wound
and pleasure
unweave


clench


fool
demeanour
from mouth: pour


from brim
topped


spilled.


-Matthew Koutzun


Because there is always a footnote to ourselves.

A Series of Experience

A Series of Experience


Never was one to chase
but I've never run faster.


Life is a pursuit
pursue him.


Jungle tiger aware
and tree forest cover.


Vine grown apart
and back together.


Wanderer lost
and making home cabin.


Pursuit in waiting
and patience waiting to shatter.


Come here
from far.


Taste fruit
spit nectar.


-Matthew Koutzun

Gim-me

Gim-me


I feel powerless.
I've never felt so weak before.
Finding out I'm so selfish
with emotions.


I want yours.
Gim-me.
That's the way I sound don't I
when I hide behind wanting to know your thoughts
or checking to see if you're ok.


It's not that I consciously do it.
I really do want to know what you're thinking,
and I want you to be ok,
and I want nothing more in the world but happiness for you.


But thats my catch:
what is happiness for you?
Is that me?
And if not,
are all my interactions
tiny gim-me gim-mes
that drive you away?


I feel so weak.
I am so powerless.
Trapped wanting you
and respecting distance.


Gim-me gim-me
patience.
Gim-me gim-me
a sign.


Wait,
give me
neither
give me in your time
give me and please respect mine.


-Matthew Koutzun

While the Fall

While the Fall


When it comes to the time like this
the fall after the rise
I wish I had you here to talk to.
Conversing and strategizing,
and saying the things to ease my mind
so I could fall asleep tonight.


I'm tired
so restless here in the lit dark.
I have to wake up early
but the list of things around me
I can't quantify to a paper of to dos
or find the answers so quickly.


I keep the curtains open
afraid the solid dark will mask time
and I won't wake up
to the alarms I set
since I sleep through avalanche
and storm.


Used to waking up with a touch
of cool skin
or mouth on flesh
I yearn to be brightened by your hand
and your smell
and the distinct echos of groggy voice.


I'll go to sleep soon
and have a dreamless night
like i do these days
hoping for visions to come
or more so replications
of visions I once had.


-Matthew Koutzun