My Run on Thoughts of You

My Run on Thoughts of You

Fuck I still love you.
Though everyone says not to.
You live across an ocean but even the dates I've been on I sabotage because I think that if you were to know I'd lose any future with you.


I wake to a bed
and hide the pillow cases that smell of you
so that they aren't mistakenly put in the wash when parents come to visit so I have some constant of the things I gave back to you to "forget".


I thought of keeping them
so you'd come back
but I can't be selfish with your time nor your freedom you seeked thousands of miles away filled with experience and new adventure.


I don't want no hard feelings
nor you to have bad feelings from this.
But I long for the support you gave me and the support that I can't find from the people around me and the comfort of knowing you said things to save me.


I- I- I-
and I focus on me again.
Come back and let me be selfish again.
Let me be selfish and take some of your time.
Both of our youth can be combined to make an adult decision here.


I thought I was an adult
but I'm not and I wish you would tell me I am.
But my buts are confusing me as the contradictions are probably now confusing you so please stay but write so I have something to hold onto since you've blocked me on each path to you through texts, calls, and instant messengers- I hold no hard feelings for it, except that I miss you're words and hope you still feel something for mine, and that they don't lure you back here, but make you happy that you can still hold a place in this heart of mine that never can take you out no matter what people say and the pillow i keep to feel another beside me since I cannot sabotage it's affections that I substitute for yours not in desperation but in memory and dream- dream- dream- dream- and run on trains of thought.


Goodnight,
I sleep now
to search the night.
Eyes closed-
mind awake,
windows open
doors locked
and always welcomed.


-Matthew Koutzun