The Meaning of Matthew

The Meaning of Matthew

So, I have something to tell you all.
This whole not hiding thing:
amazing.
It's like wrapping up something and opening it
except there is no surprise
or wrapping paper
just the gift
as it is
willing to see it as it is
and still be happy
that it is what it is.
I love my name.

-Matthew Koutzun


PS. this poem sounds like it's very self indulgent, but it's actually very freeing. If you don't know the meaning of the name Matthew look it up. Maybe you'll understand then.

My Another New Year

My Another New Year

My another new year,
never comes on the thirty-first.
Although it comes every year,
it only comes to me,
in my own special way.

I thought hard
and angry
about why no one could
or would give me
the things I want the most.

Because I found myself wanting
and waiting
patiently
disappointed in everyone's actions
for themselves.

But waiting
silently waiting
I realized that no one of them
would
or could give me what I want.

Because I don't know what I want.

I thought it was material at times
and then wondered if it was physical
and then if it was emotional
and realizing all three
I had to hold it all back, and in.

I'm here for a short while
and the time I have is rare
to care about the small things,
although
they can and overwhelm me.

But here we go
again
it's my another new year-
full of empty canvases
with imagined rainbow wolves.

Because there is more I can give myself
playing in the real
and imagined
and the slightly absurd
in, and about, my new another new year.

-Matthew Koutzun