The Meaning of Matthew

The Meaning of Matthew

So, I have something to tell you all.
This whole not hiding thing:
amazing.
It's like wrapping up something and opening it
except there is no surprise
or wrapping paper
just the gift
as it is
willing to see it as it is
and still be happy
that it is what it is.
I love my name.

-Matthew Koutzun


PS. this poem sounds like it's very self indulgent, but it's actually very freeing. If you don't know the meaning of the name Matthew look it up. Maybe you'll understand then.

Loving Dangerously Close to God

Loving Dangerously Close to God

Loving dangerously close to God
I'm walking fine water.
But what if I told him
I could not just walk on it,
but fly, because of you.

Wistfully cautious of you
I'm starting to be enveloped.
I'm going through radical changes
and heats of emotions:
flushes not tempered
I've never felt before-
or I've forgotten,
but it's even beyond creation.

But I'm loving you
dangerously too close to God.
Savior father-
bled on me,
one way or another.

-Matthew Koutzun

We've Lost What Meaning Your Thorns Had

We've Lost What Meaning Your Thorns Had

Kateri Tekawitha,
they've lost what it means.
They take cuts for pleasure
and use crucifix dildos in vain.

They laugh as they defile
the things you knew could save us.
Insert without meaning
and penetrate without thought
they claw for answers
but still don't understand your thorn cocoon.

Kateri,
I prayed in the bathroom stalls
as I read the writing on the walls
and hoped that God could- would change me.
I didn't want to be me
and I jerked myself so I could be closer to him
so my words could be heard clearer.
I rubbed myself raw
and began to cry in the shower
as the soap used for lubrication
and to cleanse
burned as I came on the floor.

One time it was the elixir of life
and I cupped it in my hands and almost drank of it-
licked it, to see if I could become immortal.
But I stopped, not because it was my own,
not because it would be wrong,
but mostly because I feared of living forever,
and perhaps that you had heard
and that maybe afterward I would be someone else-
maybe I'd be gone forever.

"Catherine",
how did you do it?
How did your skin go pale as snow?
Did the blood leak from you?
You did sew so many thorns in your blanket.
Or did he hear you?
Did he hear you?
I want to say he heard you-
want to say you were brave
and confronted your prayers.
But now I don't know,
the water burns my back,
as I try to clean what mess I've made on the shower floor;
oh, how you changed me.

-Matthew Koutzun

Lover, the Lord Has Left Us

Lover, the Lord Has Left Us

Lover,
the Lord has left us;

turned his back on us

in ignorance,


so we may love;
in private.

-Matthew Koutzun

Inspired by the Album title "Lover, the Lord Has Left Us", by the band "The Sounds of Animals Fighting".