Loving the Deep End

Loving the Deep End

Swimming in my trunks
they stick and suction to my legs
as I'm six.

A memory of the few I have
from that time
when I was six.

Feirmont Springs.
Hot though they were we stayed at the hotel pool
coolly swimming in the sun.

We'd sit in the grass
and eat fries
discussing how best to put the ketchup:

on the fries or on the side?

Here I had cotton candy ice cream
tasting nothing like it
but only of sugar and syrup.

But still I got and get it every year I go
even though I'm lactose intolerant now;
how age will deny you.

But at the pool in my swimming trunks
too long
and me jumping in the deep end to swim.

Doggy paddle none other.

My mom annoyed with me
trying to relax
I hanging onto her neck making her drown.

She would pull me off
and swim further and further
as I tried to swim and grab a hold.

But I would tire in the middle
and she would say not to be in the deep end
if I could not swim alone.

My head would depart under the water.

Her knees would bob me back up
and then she would assist me to the shore
and not long after I would do it again.

Looking back I don't know why
I kept going back
to drown and swim to reach her.

All I know now
is I swim the deep end alone
and I'll be here long after.

-Matthew Koutzun

Loving Dangerously Close to God

Loving Dangerously Close to God

Loving dangerously close to God
I'm walking fine water.
But what if I told him
I could not just walk on it,
but fly, because of you.

Wistfully cautious of you
I'm starting to be enveloped.
I'm going through radical changes
and heats of emotions:
flushes not tempered
I've never felt before-
or I've forgotten,
but it's even beyond creation.

But I'm loving you
dangerously too close to God.
Savior father-
bled on me,
one way or another.

-Matthew Koutzun

And Find Lost

And Find Lost

Spiraling upwards
Dwindling downwards
spy the eye
that sees.
Green trees
bare branches
brown bark
twisted wax.
Make nice
be kind
and settle in
to the soft soil.
Placid the water
and deep the shadows
swim in the shade
it'll conceal wounds.
The flowers are melting
sweet honey
evaporating
into nectar.
The clouds
now yellow
piss rain
and make pastel rainbows.
Make sense of their shapes
and create stories
of monster heads
and bunny tales.
Lying looking at sky
through branches
arms blocking
the movie of void.
Smell grass
and weed
and slumber into
oblivion.
Wake and catch yourself
in the moment
of being late
and flush and flustered running home.
Look back
smile
slow down
walk home.
Moments
won't come
in the future
like this.
Remember
forget
remember
and find lost.

-Matthew Koutzun