Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You

Cutting Back the Crazy: A Run-on Thought for You


I've never been insane.
Never thought I could be either.
I never thought anything could have hold or effect on me.
And then it did.
And then it hit.
And then I saw the things I was doing
but couldn't stop myself from doing them
because I was mad with desire
and happy ever afters
and holding things too tight
even thought I wanted them to fly
and still do
if they'd hover closely.
What hurts now most is knowing
that you and this is all worth it even more so
because I you do have hold and effect on me
something no one has ever had
and for you to have that is special
because it is rare my affection.
I want to replace those moments
the crazy ones where I was weak
with better ones where I was strong.
I'm being that now: strong-
hoping it will make up for the moments
I was on my knees
half delirious
and wishing touch mental divine.
I've been gaining my clarity back
and I wish you could see it.
How I don't crawl
but stand now wishing to meet you.
I'm not going to joke
and say I'm an adult,
because every time I do
the earth meets meets me there with another challenge
laughing as it knocks me to my feet.
So I'm going to rest in this humility
and see if this modesty of ego
will impress you
even though it's all really being done for me
I see the merit of doing things for myself now.
And in growing I hope you see the saplings maturing
and the flowers growing
and the image garden of me blossoming too.
Wander my paths
the bramble of madness has been cut back
and what's worth having a garden
if there is no one to show it.
I want to show it
my secret garden
just for you.


-Matthew Koutzun

Stunt

Stunt


We can be paralyzed


Cut at the knee
spine
neck
and not able to move
push
divine forward


open wounds
needing dressing
clothing armour
against shame
concealing humility
shielding weave


wrapped around head
and body
and blanket covering from day
and wanting nothing from it


We can be stilled


by another
and taken upstream
and down to camp
nestled foundation


and made to feel safe
on isle of lotus
eating pain away and drowning
in sedentary stone


Period pound
sentence
stopping
starting


Starting


Must starting


Putter


And get to it again


Back to it all again


Sewing neck
to knee
to spine


and walking forward
out of bed
and towards another
or the same


but that patience 
will be had while running
because stopping
never got one closer


-Matthew Koutzun

*

*


feeling twitchy again


image failing


mechanical hand wanderings
and ache for tongue to crevasse


liquid moment
jerking jarring
tilted back
slouching more


spread


sugarcane sweet
semen salty
on lip and brow
you mark me


brand
and tie
and bound to bed


capture-vated
by eye
and form
and spirit within


Ghost
fuck me
haunt my regions
make memory friend
and remember 
abandon


clink clit
heavy armour
tight wound
and pleasure
unweave


clench


fool
demeanour
from mouth: pour


from brim
topped


spilled.


-Matthew Koutzun


Because there is always a footnote to ourselves.

A Series of Experience

A Series of Experience


Never was one to chase
but I've never run faster.


Life is a pursuit
pursue him.


Jungle tiger aware
and tree forest cover.


Vine grown apart
and back together.


Wanderer lost
and making home cabin.


Pursuit in waiting
and patience waiting to shatter.


Come here
from far.


Taste fruit
spit nectar.


-Matthew Koutzun

Gim-me

Gim-me


I feel powerless.
I've never felt so weak before.
Finding out I'm so selfish
with emotions.


I want yours.
Gim-me.
That's the way I sound don't I
when I hide behind wanting to know your thoughts
or checking to see if you're ok.


It's not that I consciously do it.
I really do want to know what you're thinking,
and I want you to be ok,
and I want nothing more in the world but happiness for you.


But thats my catch:
what is happiness for you?
Is that me?
And if not,
are all my interactions
tiny gim-me gim-mes
that drive you away?


I feel so weak.
I am so powerless.
Trapped wanting you
and respecting distance.


Gim-me gim-me
patience.
Gim-me gim-me
a sign.


Wait,
give me
neither
give me in your time
give me and please respect mine.


-Matthew Koutzun

While the Fall

While the Fall


When it comes to the time like this
the fall after the rise
I wish I had you here to talk to.
Conversing and strategizing,
and saying the things to ease my mind
so I could fall asleep tonight.


I'm tired
so restless here in the lit dark.
I have to wake up early
but the list of things around me
I can't quantify to a paper of to dos
or find the answers so quickly.


I keep the curtains open
afraid the solid dark will mask time
and I won't wake up
to the alarms I set
since I sleep through avalanche
and storm.


Used to waking up with a touch
of cool skin
or mouth on flesh
I yearn to be brightened by your hand
and your smell
and the distinct echos of groggy voice.


I'll go to sleep soon
and have a dreamless night
like i do these days
hoping for visions to come
or more so replications
of visions I once had.


-Matthew Koutzun

Incapacitated

Incapacitated


Involuntary wantings
like falling
inevitable gravity
and fierce pull on
tingle skin
and taut
prepped muscle.


Touching caress
of imagination tempter
between pillow and sheet
and hand and mouth
biting down
and taking in
and moisture bubble forth.


Captive and held
in moment
suspended above ground
longing stilted
and found
so close to surface
only barely touching through cloth.


Don't wake me
I'm not dreaming
nor sleeping
just pouncing and
epileptic sensuality
of sense and time
together.


Oh,
oh,
oh,
I'm done
but never climax
because I'm not that selfish
in these states.


I'm back
incapacitated
and involuntarily
out of the moment
wishing it will
creep
and take ahold again, again.


-Matthew Koutzun

Be Home By

Be Home By


Walking the street
I've come the time
when the lamps have come on again
my parents youthful call
to come back home again
sometime within the twilight.


Wandering and meandering
we had no direction
except to rumble around parks
and walk alleyways
from my house to yours
and slow stretch back.


The dark is coming quickly now
even though the sun is still slivering
sinking silently on ninety percent sky
what I like to call it
now that buildings crawl around me
from the move.


Jumping
throwing rocks at cars
and talking
always talking
on and on for what seems important
but lost across multiple years.


I can't shake the empty cars
and porch light 
dim
and the orange glow 
from the street lights
turning on again.


The days grow shorter now
before we have to run back home
street lamps turning 
on and on and on
calling us back and away
walking through the dark.


I'm gonna walk 
past your place soon
make sure it's near fall
and remember 
living near you
when stones were only a throw.


-Matthew Koutzun


For Jace

Shotgun Letters

Shotgun Letters


Ragdoll old and broken;
I've found you and picked you up again.


I've bashed you round and now
we are going to bash and bash again.


I knew that a swift kick in the head
would hurt you.


But I did it anyways.


Knew you'd know it was me
but on something else I'll put the blame.


I can do this because you hurt me once
and like you I remember pain.


So when I want a plaything
I'll pick you up again.


-Matthew Koutzun

Pieces

Pieces


Puzzles:
for the fool who won't give up
are the perfect distraction
for the fool broken hearted.


An exercise in their patience
to find each missing piece they seek
to create a whole
of something they pictured in their mind.


Finding missing pieces on the way
missing as many or as few
that may have strayed
hoping to use the fingers of a lover to fill them.


Puzzled:
the fool who won't give up
is the perfect state
when it's finally finished.


-Matthew Koutzun

Copy:Taken

Copy:Taken


Beauty:
what a wretched thing to lose
from face or from hand.


What ego built up
and knocked down
and what artistry painted
then thinned
and what style
from imitation is stolen.


-Matthew Koutzun

For Daddy

For Daddy


I know he's gone
and the space he left
has left space in you
you've filled
with your own thoughts
and mortality.


Our could've
would've
should of's
change little of our past.


You were there-
and on time-
although you don't think you were.


No one will blame you on your actions
and no one will blame you harder than yourself.


There is nothing you could do
with life so far gone
and someone with pride so deep.


You are glorious
and alive
and have youth and spry smile
and have those around you
you'll never lose.


Even if gone
you are remembered
always
just as you remember him.


You are not ever forgotten
in memories of backs
pressed together in bed
and in nighttime stories
and simple acceptance.


It's inevitable
we'll end
but it's inevitable
we're remembered.


-Matthew Koutzun

Held at Arms Reach

Held at Arms Reach


Sitting patiently with the treat
on my nose.
Hungry and able
but obediently waiting.


Tell me when.


Held at arms reach
but still I'm held.


-Matthew Koutzun

Worried Haikus

Worried Haikus


After disaster
rooting through the internet
to know you're alright.


Wish I could see you
to make sure absolutely
that you are still safe.


Please send a signal
even if warnings are stopped
I can't stop thinking.


-Matthew Koutzun

Untitled for L.

Untitled for L.


There is no strength anymore
not to love you.


I've tried parting paths
and knocking other's doors
but after those door opens
I quickly shut them
because doorways aren't always
doorways to you.


There is no strength anymore
for further disappointments.


This human race is failing
and there are few
coming close to placing as high on the pedestal
you climbed
please don't give up even though you've slowed your pace
the finish line is ever reaching but I'm running beside you.


There is no strength anymore
not to ache at night.


Not hold the pillow you slept on
and not to hide it from others because it's yours
because I pray you hear my goodnights
or at least know I say them only to you
as I crack and window and curtain
to keep an invisible thread to you uncut.


There is no strength anymore
in any distraction of you.


Resolute and statuary
to see absolute proof in absence
that the absence of you is deafening
and that the return I want slow
so we can ease back into us
and start something beautiful new.


There is no strength anymore
in fighting the truth.


That this isn't desperation
but the form of something special
that even others can't deny
that others speak of in jealous tones
and spite because you hold me from them
in my hopes of holding you.


There is no strength anymore
in holding pride.


When you return
there are changes waiting
and the man you knew is transformed
body and spirit but still with childish soul
that he will plan the party with all family and friends
to introduce you to a place you always belonged.


There is no strength anymore
in hiding.


If I hide it'll only hide the affections you deserve
and to incise that I may forget
but my memory revolves around one last kiss
when I thought hiding emotion and keeping distance would help heal
but my lips ache to return what you gave to me
to lift you and lock this lock with key you hold.


There is no strength anymore
me at my best.


-Matthew Koutzun