Epilogue to Disaster

Epilogue to Disaster

After the
crash bang boom and
clatter smash and tear
paper ripping
china breaking
and the car breaking down and
can't be repaired.
And the broken heater
and the futz wires
and the ground that engulfed the pond
and the shaking
from the quaking
from the thunders violent song.
And the racket
and the rain
and the stains that marked a blouse
and the rampage
and the carnage
of the zoo animals that can't be found.

And in the middle
there is silence
and we wait
to see if perhaps it's past.
Slowly moving with it
we worry we're in the eye.

-Matthew Koutzun

Hallway

Hallway

Done it millions of time over
down the river hallway,
nothing but bare feet and faith-
need it in this dark.

Hands feeling walls,
and feet bumping furnace.
There's a nervous notion
but safety when we remember.

It's life with destination,
near the end,
or cloaked in darkness doorways;
to the left or right.

But onward, straight we go-
silent, barefooted in the night.
Faith and cool wood boards beneath us
we're all gonna be alright.

-Matthew Koutzun

And he misses the point again

And he misses the point again

"Executive abilities in your make-up
will lead you to future success."
Hey, this fuckin' cookie called me a drag queen!

-Matthew Koutzun

No Caution

No Caution

I'm taking a step-
no- leap,
off the edge.
It's much more dramatic
and much more my style.

I've never been one for half-ways
or bi-ways-
Ok, that last one was a lie. Wink.
But the long way's suited me fine.

I've broken tape,
and marched the mile,
and done it all with smiles.
You'd never know never being there.

But I've thrown caution to the wind
and reeled it back again
holding it with me when it's needed
and letting go when it's dated.

But Wind, take it,
I don't need it long this time.
The ocean calling-
and dipping in, I am clean.

So take it from me.
I don't need no stinkin' Caution.
That's for babes.
I'll ride my Harley down the
5
0
1
and let adventure comb my hair.

And in the sun:
I'll tan golden,
leather sticking to skin.
Because I still have caution,
but only to keep alive and forever.

-Matthew Koutzun

Finally Something:

Finally Something:

It's a breakthrough
it's a moment
it's a minute space on clock.

It's a tempest
and it's roaring
and it's tearing through the hush.

It's a marvel
it's full of grace
it's my slow and even pace.

It's coming
and it's here
and it's whispered into every ear.

That it's finally made it
it's finally something
it's finally here to stay.

It's a feeling
it's my calm
it's the lulling of my hymn.

It's my prayers
come to life
and the accepting of a sin.
Oh, how to begin?

I guess I'll just have to.
The window's open.
The summer's breeze so nice.

-Matthew Koutzun

The man I am

The man I am

I'm going to be a man again
on my own terms.
But-

Ok, enough...
let me start again...

I'm tired...
just tired...
tired of being not enough
and not enough of either...

I'm not one
or the other
or either
but am somewhere in the nigh-ther.

I know this way
being between car treads
will surely get me run over.

But left or right
when neither is truly right
that would be a consequence far greater.

-Matthew Koutzun

Ouch

Ouch

You slapped me once like this before,
but the pain was here, (points to face),
not there.

I've been called many things you know,
none of them true,
those are the best kind; easily forgotten.

But I dared you to give it deep,
after I had given you your lashing,
and stood defiant, and proud, above you.

But how beneath you I am now,
because of the things you say,
too close to the truth.

-Matthew Koutzun

Personal Prose

Personal Prose

Who knew making friends would be hard?
Back 15 years ago, you'd set us down and we'd just start running around; playing pretend, beating each other, slapping a ball with a stick, and we'd be happy. We'd connect.

Now you can't even get me to talk in a crowded room to a stranger. I've been dropped in the sandbox, but no one pretends, or slaps sticks, or even beats me. When did it get so hard?

I'm smiling. I'm sure someone's bound to notice I'm searching. I have to be that desperate if I'm smiling and trying to make eye contact even with the recluse who would rather sit alone.

I've tried. Really. And almost had a bite too. They come, or I go there. And a good time takes place. But afterwards there are no calls. I guess that's people being nice. I'd hate to receive the bad news as the gospel truth as much as they refuse to preach it.

Stranger in a foreign land they say. Except I don't know any of it even when it's my own.

-Matthew Koutzun

Junction

Junction

On the corner
of time and space
we sat
and watched the cars go by.

Red and Green the lights changed
and halted distance first
and then alternating
to stop the minutes on our left.

We smiled and knew that these things
the ones we have together
are all about timing
the meeting of space and time.

If it had been any other corner
I don't think we would have been.

But here we are at the corner of now
and that place,
you know the one,
the one we'll talk to others about in the future.

-Matthew Koutzun

Seated in the Chair at table 5

Seated in the Chair at table 5

What will I be
when my body's failed me
When I cannot do
what needs to be performed
and cannot raise my arms
to be heard?

Will I fear
my body's ailing
settle into a darkness
of cold and extreme heats
inner fear?

What if my mind should go?
And the days ache long
and I can never remember when I've slept
and the people I remember have left me
though still beside me
and I perceive I'm all alone?

What shall I do?
Will I sink into silence?
Will I meet the weak like myself
and band together in loneliness' spite?

Who can fear the reaper
when and if my body's failed me
before I go?

-Matthew Koutzun

Skin Series 4: Skinned Alive and out the Window

Skinned Alive and out the Window

Here I am in you.
Ready to finally see you.


I took my sweet time:
concealing
manipulating
and recoiling you.
But perhaps I'm ready or not-

here I come.

Touch and scratch
and mark and taste
and squeezed
too pressed
and bit with ease.

Oh, I'm aiming too hard again
and missing some point or target
on the horizon-

line to be checked and crossed.

Here is where it happened.
.I am not my cells.

Evaporating slowly
I am dissolving
in air solution
and in CO2 problems.

I am not with you anymore-
happy because I never was
or will.

Holding me down,
I leap outside
baring all while wearing none.
I'll leave the skin behind.

-Matthew Koutzun

Skin Series 3: The Sin has Come and Gone

The Sin has Come and Gone

Darling,
all the vanity has left me.
Promise.
I'm not the man in the images I've made;
just shape
pretending form.

Pride the manifestation of dignity
and vanity all the appearance of it,
or so my better half Mr.Darcy was complimented.

Please forgive me.
I call to you,
on edge of frame.
Please forgive me.

I took them off
and went too far
I'm trying to give you everything
without exposing it all.
Can't you see?
I'm altering image and shape
to try and show you truth.

Darling,
one more try
these flaws are mine.

-Matthew Koutzun

Skin Series 2: Sloth and another Sin

Sloth and another Sin

Look-it darling
I did it
done it
was it
for me.

Slow majestic
touching wasted
and I slid them off
to see it all.

What beauty I am.
Look,
don't blush-
look at me.


Free and exposed in the darkroom.
Red light on; to warn and call you in.


Darling look-it
what I've stretched.
And what's carved of me
I give to you.
Bask in it:
glory,
can you feel it?

It comes through pore
and image.

-Matthew Koutzun

Skin Series 1: Skin

Skin

Pliable
stretched taut
and smooth demanding.
Firm
tight bonded
and calm commanding.

Can I sit in you comfortably
to see without wanting to change
accept and know you can mold.
I'm learning you take attention
how a simple shift can take all eyes upon you
and a look can invite or dispel.


I'll open soon to you baby.
Once I find the strength to shed these clothes around you.
It's a task to just be alone here.


You're on me-
yet not.
I can't find you with me.

-Matthew Koutzun

Change

Change

I reckon it's about time.

-Matthew Koutzun